Best Humour

Please welcome Kat!


With the intensity and drama that normally defines The X-Files, humor is a treasured departure on the fandom. It's wonderful to see that even with all the hard times the show itself has struggled with, writers are still able to find the lighter side. All of the nominated writers have been gifted with comedic talent and it is an honor to be able to present them.

The nominees are:

Curtains by Sylvia

Alex had time for an idle thought of how nice Scully would look in a black negligee and an equally idle, automatic calculation of her velocity, his limited field of vision and the necessary vector for a shot before a crash sounded next to his curtain and he was smothered in a sudden weight of lace, aluminum rods, and FBI agent.

The instinctive attempt to pull his concealing fabric cocoon closed was hampered by Mulder's weight. It was a senseless measure, anyway. Mulder was digging through layers of chintz, velvet and lace with grim determination, clearly fancying himself on the cusp of a breakthrough in the matter of whatever weirdness he'd gone poking his nose into now.

Royal blue fabric fringed with yellow tassels was yanked aside to reveal the slightly flushed face of Mulder, eyes alight with the joy of the uncanny, hair mussed and sticking up in tufts. Alex had the pleasure of witnessing a second of sheer surprise on the expressive face, rendering it rather fetchingly wide-eyed.

"What's the matter, am I not furry enough for you?" growled Alex, sliding to the side and dumping Mulder off in order to protect himself from collecting strategically placed knees. Mulder's combat skills were sporadic, but when he did fight, he fought dirty. His technique was better when he wasn't out for blood, but considering that he was also completely ineffective at those times, there was much to be said for the berserker fighting style.

It's Probably Me by David S.

Sighing, he says, "I'm here to help you."

"Gee, thanks," I say with a big Beaver Cleaver grin. "That explains the whole..." I make a wave with my right hand motioning around. " know. Am I bleeding?"

"Just a little bit." He wipes a small stream of blood from my lip with his thumb. I flinch slightly at his touch. "Mulder, I just saved your ass. There were two men in your hallway about ready to shoot you and burn down this entire apartment complex."

"And you shot them in cold blood."

"No. I gave them a verbal warning and told them never to show up in these parts again. They said they were duly chagrined and left."

He waits three seconds, then continues. "Yes, I fucking shot them, Mulder! Then I put their bodies down the laundry chute."

"Well, the landlord will be *thrilled.* There goes my deposit."

Pop Goes the Weaselby Goblin McGee

"After seeing that car there's no way I'd stand near you without a splash guard in place. Following on the heels of that memorable trip, there was the Little Miss Muffet affair. At least you wore a normal suit for that one. I'm not going to ask what you put on underneath that had you walking so funny."

"Just as well, that equipment is still classified information."

"And now here we are, arguing amid rows of blooming cherry trees in a picture of pastoral paradise ... most remarkable for what appears to be Alex Krycek lying naked on a picnic blanket not 50 yards away."

"Getting crumbs in your clothes can be a real nuisance. You know, I'd better go see if he has anything for me."

"Sure looks like it from here."

"Huh? Erm, Scully, while I'm taking care of this, don't you think that those remains call for a detailed lab analysis? You know, at the coroner's office?"

"No, but don't worry I'll meet you back at the motel. I think I'll check out the cocktail selection at the bar."

The Truth Comes Out by Catnip

"Wha -?" Before Mulder realizes what's happening, Krycek has pulled off his prosthesis and is wielding it dangerously. "You think its funny that I've only got one arm? Well, let's see who's laughing now!" With that, he takes the prosthesis and clubs Mulder over the head with it.

"Ow!" Mulder exclaims, rubbing the top of his head. "Alex -"

"Oh, you want some more stuff, huh? You fuckin' bastard, I hate you!" Alex screams. He continues to thrash Mulder, knocking him backward onto the couch. "I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I_HATE_YOU!"

"Help!" Mulder calls out, desperately reaching out an arm. "Scully!"

Scully calls back from the bedroom, "I can't help you, Mulder. I'm breast-feeding."

"Shit! Walter!"

Alex is still furiously bashing away and shouting "I hate you!" at the top of his lungs, enunciating each word with another blow from the prosthetic. He's hitting Mulder a little 'too' hard, however, because the plastic suddenly begins to rupture and the arm starts to break apart, much to Mulder's relief.

"Jesus!" Krycek stares at the destroyed remains of his prosthesis. "What a cheap piece of shit!" He tosses it away in disgust. "That's the last time I get FBI-issue."

Uneasy Rider by Ursula and Jennie

"DAMN!" Oswald yelled, pointing to the eastern sky. "What in gawd's name is THAT?"

As one, Krycek and the crowd turned to look. Again as one, they all stood staring gape-jawed at the sight they beheld. It was a ship. A great BIG mother of a ship. Krycek had been forced to view Mulder's collection of UFO photos often enough to identify the object immediately as an actual alien ship.

Slowly, majestically, the object glided close, until it hovered over the still and silent group of men. A column of light shone from its underbelly, sweeping the crowd back and forth. A cacophony of shrieks, moans and the occasional call for 'Mommy' could be heard coming from the men. After a moment, the light settled on Little Jim. Ever so slowly, the behemoth rose up into the light as the ship rotated and started moving off to the south.

"Jim!" Oswald screamed. "C'mon boys - it's got mah cousin." Oswald in the lead, the assembled company took off running across the field in pursuit of the ascending form of Jim.

Shaking off his own shock, Krycek dashed forward and grabbed Mulder, throwing him over one shoulder in a fireman's hold. He abandoned the shotgun in favor of steadying the dead weight he hefted, and ran like hell for the Riviera. Pausing only long enough to toss Mulder's oblivious body into the seat ahead of him, Krycek climbed in and turned the engine over with a quick twist of the key. As he drove away, he tracked the progress of the UFO in the rearview mirror. At last sight, Little Jim appeared to have been sucked up into the craft. Oswald and company were still running pell-mell across the field in pursuit of their comrade, as Alex went over a rise in the road and lost sight of them.

XTrek Episode II by Goblin McGee

"We can't fight, baby - this is the STNG story universe. Crew members can't just start punching other characters unless no other options are around." The ensign paused.

"Well, you don't want to give any other option, right?" Mulder asked hopefully.

"Actually that's exactly why I'm here," Krycek replied, moving a little closer to the other man as he set down the chocolate sauce.

"I didn't follow rules in our old X-Files universe, what makes you think I'll start doing it now?" The young ensign blazed with challenge, his eyes flashing and fists tightening. "And since when did you follow them either for that matter?"

"Since the consequences became tremendous. Don't do it, Fox. Violating the rules of a story's universe is some serious fucking shit. Let's be clear on this. What you used to do is break the rules of the FBI and other organizations which existed within the story parameters of the X-Files, not oppose the fundamental laws of that universe itself, such as 'when the going gets tough Fox Mulder does not call for backup.' The violation of those kind of laws would bring on the unraveling of the fabric of that universe as it turns in on itself, swallows itself, until nothing is left but chaos on every level of being. The complete negation of past, present and future coming in a spectacular end of existence," dire seriousness was replaced by transparent desire as Krycek advanced further towards him, licking his lips with a crocodilian tongue. "Speaking of coming in a spectacular end...that brings me to my proposal for an alternative course of action."

And the winner is...

Curtains by Sylvia