I wanna be held. I wanna be held and loved and touched just like everyone else. I don’t know why it’s so hard to see, to comprehend. I may have done evil things, I may have lied and beaten and killed to save my own ass, but on the inside there’s still blood and bones. And right now even my bones ache, for you. I’ve done it again Mulder. I’ve killed again, because they told me to. And I hurt inside, because I don’t want to kill anymore. I’ve seen so many things, done so many things, and I just want to wish them all away. And now I stand over the body of another victim. Knowing I took his life from him before it was time. I wonder if he has kids, a wife... will they ever be able to bury the body? Or will it be whisked away, disposed of, leaving them wondering- "What happened to Daddy?" I want to curl up into a ball. Then I want you to come and straighten me out, and pull me into your arms. Instead, I put the safety on, pull out my phone, and call their cleaning team. Never faltering, never letting the hurt and sorrow and fear register on my face. Maybe I’ll watch you through your window tonight, imagining the feel of your arms, and dreaming of innocence and forgiveness.